The short answer is yes, it is healthy and also necessary to express your anger to your loved ones.
The tricky part is HOW to do it in a good way?
So overall, emotional expression is good – that means we are not keeing this emotional stress inside, and we relieve ourselves from this inner tension. When it comes to expressing it to the ones that we love, it depends on how we generally show anger.
So if you tend to be very explosive when angry (shouting, breaking things, etc.) then when you express that at the time you feel it, your loved ones might feel unsettled or unsafe. So, in this case, it is best first to let the steam out elsewhere in a healthy way (running, kicking a ball, screaming in the pillow, punching a boxing bag) to allow that intensity to go out and to leave your system. When the emotion is very intense, and when we are caught up in it, we cannot clearly understand what is going on as
we’re only feeling the intensity, so the things we say or do might be something we’ll regret later. Also, in this case, it is important to note that this type of explosive anger often results from accumulated anger.
This means that in this case, you have a tendency to suppress anger when it comes up and then to pile it up, which at some point cannot hold anymore and therefore “explodes”.
Anyway, when you have this type
of anger expression is better to talk about what made you angry and how you felt after the intensity has dropped.
You will be able to put your thoughts together better and make sense out of what has happened.
On the other hand, if you are in good control of how your anger comes up (you tend to have a cooler, controllable temper), you can share what you are angry about also at the time when you feel it.
In both cases, the best way to do it is to say,
“I feel angry because when you XXX, I felt XXX”. When you say it like that, it shows to your loved ones that you own your emotion, tell them what triggered you, and share the other emotion underneath the anger.
Example: “I feel angry because when you ignored my calls, I felt rejected.” Of course – make your own natural version of that.
When we feel angry, it means that our personal boundaries have been crossed. If our personal boundaries have been crossed, it means that something has been done that we are not OK with.
Also, it could be that something hasn’t been done that we thought should have been done. In either case, if we don’t tell our loved
ones what our personal boundaries are, what makes us feel safe, unsafe, emotional, insecure – we cannot have a healthy honest relationship.
Our loved ones are the people we have the strongest obligation to share our true selves with, including vulnerabilities, including our true emotional reaction, which also includes our boundaries. Like that, they have a chance to see the true versions of us, and we have an opportunity to be truly accepted. Also, after we share our boundaries, we might be able to see what needs to change in our relationship, or perhaps even in the family dynamics.
So communicating our anger to those we love is necessary if we want to have honest, authentic relationship. The only thing to bear in mind is how we will do it in a way that is safe and loving.
Meanwhile, I wish you to have a good day and if you find that anger is coming out – first acknowledge that is valid and that it has something important to say.
With Big Love,
In either case, if we don’t tell our loved ones what our personal boundaries are, what makes us feel safe, unsafe, emotional, insecure – we cannot have a healthy honest relationship.
Ruta Ka
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