Things are going good with him in relationships. He answers when you call, he doesn’t do any shady practices or disappears of the face of the Earth. He shows up when he said he will, he doesn’t do any lame excuses for not following through with his promises…he even buys you flowers. But most of all, his actions says that you are important to him, that he cares and yet…you have this question mark coming up. That pit in the stomach, that anxiety is still there and you find yourself thinking: can I trust him?
DISCLAIMER: this is for those of you who are in good safe relationships. The pit in the stomach and anxiety in non-safe and not-trust-worthy relationships is a sign that relationship indeed are not good for you.
OK – let’s continue.
So it is a common scenario when we, for example, had lots of relationships where
our trust has been broken. Then to finally enter into a solid relationship, however, still feel this feeling of not being completely safe, and if the relationship itself is safe, so there is no actual gaslighting going on or cheating or lying or mixed messages, and there is no usually any say obvious reason to feel unsafe and distrustful. It could be that the way you feel is because of the past experiences and the trauma. So even when you are already in a safe relationship, when you’re already in a solid relationship, you might still have this residue, this echo of not being able to trust fully, and that takes time. In a solid relationship, it takes time. In a safe relationship, it takes time. Basically – it does take time, it would be CRAZY just simply jump into a trusting mode when you had the opposite experience in the past.
However, I’ll give you the reasons why you are feeling that way.
Reason No 1.
You Don’t Trust Yourself
The first reason is you don’t trust yourself. Not trusting yourself usually happens like this: sometime in the past you were in a relationship and you were tricked, cheated, lied to. You probably could feel some signs that something is going on, but you have not addressed it. You suppressed your intuition, you suppressed that feeling and you ignored it. So this not-trusting-yourself-experience, and feeling that making you match to this overall feeling in your current relationship is because you did not follow your inner guidance, your intuition, your authentic truth the way you felt at that point. You didn’t follow up, you didn’t follow through. So internally part of you knew that
was happening, another part was ignoring it and now there is this internal distrust: “ if this is going to happen once again, can I trust myself to actually pick it up to see it?”
So that’s the first reason why you are not trusting your partner.
Reason No 2.
You Can’t Control Your Partner
The second reason is that the reality is we cannot control other people. We might want to control, we might have this desire to make them behave in the way that we want, but in reality, we cannot really control other people. We cannot control our partners and the closest that you can get to the illusion of controlling your partner is manipulating them. But that’s not neither real control nor healthy for a relationship.
So some people are using manipulation as a tool to control to give this illusion of control to themselves. However, the scary thing is you’re not really in control and you’re just having this illusion of control. The safer option is to accept that you have no control (and I’ll give you the remedies for that in the end).
Reason No 3.
Your energy field has vibration of Not Trusting active
The other reason is that like attracts like. So if you have this vibration of not trusting, you will manifest situations where this lack of trust will be triggered.
So if this vibration is active in you, you will be attracting this into your reality and as long as you have it active, you will have the circumstances even though there might be no real or even if there is no objective
reason to feel distrustful, but you will have this trigger activated in you. And this can happen either in the suppressed form or in an expressed form. Also, if you are having doubts about your relationship or your partnership, you are likely to attract these triggers to confirm that to you. Okay, so what to do? Do we ignore it? Do we just go ahead or we do something about it? So the first thing is to develop self-trust.
Solution #1
Develop Self-Trust
So self-trust looks like this. It doesn’t matter if you are going to lose relationships or not, you will prioritize trust with yourself. Meaning that even if you don’t have a real reason to ask your partner or something, but you just feel suspicious about something or you have a lack of trust about something, you go and get your answers. You find out, you go to the bottom of the doubt, you go to the rabbit hole, you dig out, you communicate, you ask. So that means you start to develop self-trust. You have some suspicion, you don’t ignore it. You actually go and find out. Your partner, if he is a solid partner, he’ll be able to handle that and you will have increased sense of security and trust as the relationship progresses. Because in a healthy partnership, it is okay to have some unreasonable fears, especially at the beginning of the relationship. And it is okay to bring in patterns from the past relationship because this new relationship that we have is usually a match of what we are right now vibrationally. So it could be that we have already healed some of those partners, or it could be that this relationship is required for us to heal these patterns.
So when somebody says “okay, I want to heal myself. I want to be single first or alone” and then they don’t find a partner for a very, very long time. I was one of these people. I was that person. It’s actually bullshit basically. Bullshit in a way that you will never be fully, fully healed and you don’t need to be fully, fully healed to be able to be in a healthy and happy relationship.
Sometimes to heal past relationship trauma you cannot be single. You have to be in a relationship and especially when it comes to trust, this relationship that will heal you, it will heal this sense of distrust.
But it won’t happen automatically, without you doing anything.
Most of the time you will need to actually address your fears and ask the questions and receive and achieve this sense of safety and trust.
Solution #2
Relax Your Grip on Controlling Him
The second point was about controlling other people. The most healthy thing is to decide that at the end of the day we all have free will and as much as we want to control other people, have them behave in a way that would make us as safe as possible and as happy as possible, this is not always the case. We all have free will. We, who are on this side of the relationship and the partner who’s on the other side of the relationship – are a part of the continuum. We also have a free will. We will also not only gonna build everything around the other person’s needs. We will also look after our needs. In some situations might happen that we have some conflicting needs and it might be that we might not behave in a way that would absolutely make our partner happy every single time, because there will be some conflicts. There will be some differences.
the best thing to do about control is actually accept that even if you cannot control other people, but you can control yourself, and you can control your behaviour.
It’s almost impossible unless you’re in a codependent relationship and you’re the one who is only pleasing to always have an absolutely smooth ride without any issues. There will be some issues. There will be some situations where for example he didn’t do what I wanted or that didn’t really make me feel safe. But the point is to make amends, to have repairs. So as long as you can have repairs in the conflict situations or in the situations that made you feel unsafe or your trust issues were triggered, you will experience healing. You will experience repair. You will experience an increased level of trust rather than a decreased one.
So the best thing to do about control is actually accept that even if you cannot control other people, but you can control yourself, and you can control your behaviour. You can control your responses or at least you can amend consequences of your responses if you’ve done something without thinking. So you can absolutely be sure that you are in control yourself. That’s the only type of control you will ever have. The more you have control over yourself, the way you respond and the way you deal with issues, the less you will need other people to be controlled by you. So automatically your need to control will drop.
Solution #3
Improve Your Trust Vibration
And the final point is about having this pattern vibrationally active and therefore attracting this pattern.
So the more trustworthy you become, the more trustworthiness you will attract.
You can even do this like an exercise, to build this muscle of trustworthiness and build this vibration of trust. And you can do that by keeping your
promises, by following up on things that you said you would follow, by meeting your obligations and the things that you decided to do.
And also if you said that you’re going to show up, you show up. If you said you’re going to do something, you do something.
And like that, you will strengthen this vibration of trust, trustworthiness in yourself and you will be attracting more of that in your experience.
The Root Of All
Now having said all of that, behind all the issues, every single issue and this trust issue as well, there is trauma. There are traumatic circumstances that activated this vibration in you in the first place. And one of the best ways to address this in combination with the things that I just talked about is to integrate your trauma, the wounding, the original wounding. So for example, you were a child and your daddy told you that he’ll take you to a park and he didn’t show up or he worked and then you were waiting and waiting and then that happened a few times or one time or something else has happened and that has been recorded in your memory as the original wound as a trauma and that set in motion this pattern, active pattern that later on made you a match with, for example, partners that were on trustworthiness. And that’s why you are dealing with this now. So for this, there are wonderful processes that you can use for trauma integration. I use completion process (The Completion Process developed by Teal Swan), I use parts work, I use voice dialogue, I use the metaphysical anatomy technique (aka MAT developed by Evette Rose), and family constellations. So there are lots of things that you can do. Address the original trauma as well as the patterns following it.
So do these two things:
1) Change your conscious behaviour and the way you see the trust issue
and
2) then address your original trauma,
and you will no longer be a match for this pattern.
You’re welcome! 😉
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